How to understand the woman man
Many years doing a variety of problems in the relations between men and women passions and conflicts, indifference and disgust, I cannot help wondering: how little you know women about men, as mysterious for "fair sex" these beings, as a strange set of rules they live by! Ill-informed women even about the only person who dwell under the same roof. How to understand the woman man?
How many quarrels and gaps could be avoided if women are better understood the motives of men's actions, secret springs of their behavior, their ideals, their thirst for love. In short, the difference in the perception of the surrounding world. All this is equally true for men, but it is quite another issue. Indeed, paradoxically, but the thread of love rarely break due to serious conflicts. Love, affection often fade away slowly and silently, fade away, not so much because of the intransigence of interest, incompatibilities life principles as mutual misunderstanding of people, the once who loved each other, and sometimes continue to love.
Why women don't understand men? Why can't realize what they want the representatives of the stronger sex and what they need in a certain situation? Among the many reasons for which men remain so mysterious, I would home: men are not so easy to "open up", not easily allow women into the depths of his soul. In all ages this helped a strong floor to hide the truth about himself, about his character, worries and problems, was protected from frustration that, in the opinion of men, they could bring women. Overwhelming need to look strong and invincible made and makes men try to be for her friends impenetrable, to keep the status of "Terra Incognita".
So there are tensions, developing into the notorious "war of the sexes". Every probably experienced this tension on himself, he participated in "hostilities". Beings of the opposite sex always intrigued each other and at the same time treat each other with some suspicion, if not suspicion.
The term "war of the sexes" and arose precisely because the stronger man and woman are drawn to each other, the stronger their anxiety. Why is this so? What makes women seeking men in need them, at the same time hide inside yourself caution and quickly disappointed? The explanation is simple: the difference in the biological nature. Some of these differences is known to all, with respect to other most dwells in the dark. When to replace this ignorance comes knowledge, this is not always happy.
The main conflict between men and women most likely stems from the fundamental differences with respect to intimacy and trust, as psychologists say, intimacy. What is this confidence is, how important it is in life - that men and women look different. This does not mean that one sex is inherent to love stronger and the other weaker. No. Just representatives of each sex love and experience the closeness in their own way. So dissatisfaction love relationships very often the consequence of the fact that we, for some reason can't or don't want to deal with these fundamental differences, and often do not even guess about them.
Men are to love differently than women, resulting in important circumstances: boys form himself, his personality and his unique sense of self, separated from the mother, "making" itself in the image and likeness of the father. In girls, the development of self-awareness (we call this important psychological mechanism samoidentifikatsii) occurs on the background of the same attachment to the mother, modeling itself on its model. That's what, at first glance, minor difference and underlies many of frustration, resentment and quarrels.
Trying to imagine the fundamental differences between the understanding of closeness, let's use a Scale of Trust. Draw mentally horizontal line segment on the right end of which is an extreme point of maximum attachment, a sense of connection with the other person, even merging with him. On the left - pole separation, a sense of autonomy, independence, at its manifestation - loneliness.
For each of us on this Scale there is a place, "zone"that shows at which degree of trust we feel most comfortable.
Although men and women alike will appreciate the love relationship and they are equally important and significant strong Union, their position on the Scale of Trust the most likely to be completely different. This is, of course, is a General pattern in which there are always exceptions. There are men who are experiencing a great demand in confidence than women, and some women in their desire for freedom and independence are very similar to men. But, as a rule, the position of women on the Scale of Trust area where they feel most comfortable, very close to the pole attachment.
The nature of this powerful forces, which we call a factor of gravity lies in the early emotional experience, girls. World of the child is fully focused on the mother, and the relationship with her is for girls source of the feeling of power. The feeling of closeness is forever associated with the sense of security, of peace, of psychological comfort. About two years, begins to develop his own personality of the child, and she tries to imitate his omnipotent mother, learning that the feeling of power is rooted in affection, closeness.
A girl grows up, and that was embedded in the subconscious, has the strongest influence on all of its behavior. Childhood experiences generate a Factor of Gravity - mighty power, which makes intimacy and trust are so important for women. All this does not mean that the desire for intimacy is always the main driving force of "fair sex". In adolescence and adulthood for girls acquire the value of independence, the social achievements. However, the desire for affection, hiding in time, never loses its power.
Because women have a sense of safety, comfort is so closely linked with the affection to the man, then separation, loneliness for it not that other, as the danger signals that cause from the very depths of the soul fear and anxiety. The state of "non-attachment" for most women is a frightening condition, full of negative emotions, fear that they will lose forever the necessary feeling of heat.
In its practical work know: many modern women believe that men shy away from strong ties, avoid any obligations. Telling me about the difficulties in their personal lives, many women complain: "why, he was just afraid of responsibility!" Fluctuations men to marry or not to marry, his "swing" in the marital Union women often considered a sign of weakness, inability to love.
And indeed, every woman, single or married, have experienced this masculine demeanor "cold-hot": today it glows with love, minutes no friend cannot live, and at the very top of intimacy seemed to recede. In a woman such changes invariably cause confusion and resentment.
Why men do this? I am sure that the basis is powerful not always realized by man mechanism. It is not a weakness and not the lack of ability to love. Fluctuations of proximity to the office and back - male essence of the soul, the core of the character. I would call this feature Factor Polarity, and she, too, "from childhood".
As in girls, boys. unusually strong attachment to the mother. But, according to psychologists, the beginning of the third year of life, they begin to realize that not very similar to mum, much more on the Pope. A desire to separate from the mother and to imitate the father (or, in the absence of a father - figure, instead of him). The boys since childhood absorb that autonomy is the basis of masculinity. The need for independence encourages boys and then men in the same direction, not less strong, although often hidden from consciousness thirst women's attachment in another. These opposing forces and cause the man to be in a constant state of movement between the poles of Fragmentation, and Affection.
Thus, men's comfort zone lies exactly midway between the disunity and attachment. Any long to stay at one of the poles men uncomfortable. Once they enter a state of affection, as they cut through the inner anxiety, the fear of being weak, unmanly. Too shift towards the separation and independence of a strange feeling of abandonment.
Reluctantly have to admit that women do not always understand the influence of gravity acting on men with both poles of the Scale of Trust: it's too alien to them, too far from their own character. Women do not shake, as on the swing, they prefer a firm place closer to the pole Attachment. Unfortunately, emotional state, the most comfortable for women, a man feels like some kind of bond, as the trap. This contradiction is the cause of many reproaches and quarrels.
The factor of Attraction in a woman and Polarity in the man leaves no doubt as to the inevitability of conflict. But these conflicts are perfectly natural and predictable. Paradoxically, it is in them and rooted mutual attraction of the sexes. I really want readers resigned to the fact that this difference fatal: it is saved on the long years of living together. How often we comfort ourselves with the fact that these differences prevent us only in the first period of romantic relationships, and as a woman is dissolved in the care of a close person, the differences immediately disappear! We naively hope that love can in some miraculous way to change reinforced concrete laws of psychology. But miracles in nature do not happen. The contradiction between a man and a woman forever and fatal.